Week 20

Hmm... how to even describe this week...?

Work is good. I got to take 4 girls into town to the therapist one night and we had fun. A lady named Lily, who is one of the "troubled-teen" boy's program parents, spent the week with my girls. She was great :) I realllllly enjoyed talking to her about life and Jesus and my girls. She did their "colors" (Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter). I am apparently a "winter". woo. I get to wear what I already do haha... Umm. What else...?

Sarah, Jessica, Christa and I had our first Bible study. That was fun. Sunday night Sarah, Brittany and I talked about Jesus. Woo. That was good.

I have been feeling depressed still and lonely. Not hopeless. Sad, though, for sure. I talked with Jana today and we discussed the fact that while it is okay to grieve the past "things" we love(d), to refuse to live and enjoy what is "now" is not ok because it is a refusal to live in an environment that is uncomfortable. I do not doubt that God is doing good things. In fact, I see a lot of them.

Sarah and I are going to a concert in San Jose on Saturday and we'll be hanging out in San Francisco tomorrow evening through Saturday morning. Mumford and Sons will be at the concert... wooooooooo! And many other greeeeat bands, including Dave Mathews--Foo Fighters only plays Sunday though. The jerks.

Week 19

Well. Working 5 days is definitely challenging and I am QUITE glad that my bosses have decided that 4 days on and 3 days off is best. Even though it was hard to work that much and by the 5th day I had to repeat their questions a few times in my head (or out loud :) ) before I could comprehend what they were asking, I had a lot of fun with the girls. I took three of them to their therapist on Tuesday night. It was very fun because I got to actually talk with them. I think we don't really get to "talk talk" with them much because of how many girls we have and because we are always doing things during the day. So, like I said, it was nice to talk talk with them.

I felt "off" all week and was not able to pin point a reason why so I prayed a lot that God would help me to see what that reason was. (By the way, when I say "off" I mean that I felt really numb and sort of sad and was having a hard time explaining how I was doing to people I talked to on the phone on my days off last week--which are all generally good indications that something is up in my heart/mind that I need to deal with.) I was over at my boss/friend, Sarah's apartment last night after work and I think I figured out what is up--All summer I had been looking to "the wedding" as a goal and the fact that I would be going home and seeing all of my friends and my family kept me from actually dealing with the reality of the fact that "that" season (HIU, Southern CA, being an RA, freedom from a lotttt of the concerns of adulthood, etc.) of my life is over. SO even though I had finished college, moved to Redding and started a "real" job, the reality of the loss of those thing that I had loved so very, very much about being in Southern CA had not set in. SO I think right now, I am grieving those losses. I think it is good. Very good. And very hard.

This weekend, I am staying at the home of the woman I met at Trader Joes back in (I think) July. She and her husband went to San Francisco for the weekend. I was able to meet her husband and have lunch with them both before they headed down to San Fran today. I really like them. A lot. It is very comforting to talk to a woman about Jesus and about what I have been thinking/feeling/etc. God's providence is sooooo uncomprehendable. I get to stay at a REAL house with a REAL kitchen and a REAL cat for threeeee days BY MYSELF! It's an introverted-catloving-"realfood"deprivedindividual's DREAM!

I am going to be hanging out with Sarah and my two women friends in Redding, Jessica and Christa, tomorrow night. We are starting to read through Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology. It. Will. Be. Epic.

I have been praying about and struggling with the fact that the ways God has built and gifted me are not really being used in this season of life (which is good because I am learning to not find my identity in myself/the things God has instilled in me but in God, himself and I am learning to really trust Him... :) Woo). Namely, I miss being able to talk to people about Jesus and about what He is doing in their lives and who they actually are because He said they are that way (confusing...but whatever). Specifically, on Tuesday I had been thinking and praying about this a lot and that night one of my fellow staff members came into my room and expressed that she has been feeling very discouraged and distant from God. AH! I got fireddddd UP! She is going to go over to Sarah's house on Sunday night and we are all going to talk about Jesus. I am exxxxxcccciiiittteeeddddddddddddddddddd! Woo. It's like I should trust Jesus, or something!

Love you all. Please be praying that I keep learning to trust Jesus and that I will love and be kind to my girls. Pray that I learn what I need to learn to be able to speak truth into lives around me AND into my own fears. I have been anxious and I keep catching myself running things other than God. Hmm... Please keep praying for Gabi; my friend who lost her sister. Pray that she feels God's comfort and presence.

Love ya. Peace out playa.

Week 18 (I think...sheesh)

Well. It has been awhile. Last time I wrote I was home for the weekend. I then went back to Redding for 2 weeks. THEN I went back home for 11 days. I got back to Redding Monday morning (3 days ago). At home this past time I was a maid of honor with Anna in Kelsey and Brian's wedding. It was a gorgeoussss wedding. The amount of work that was involved made me want to elope though... and I am only 68% kidding...

Hmm.. I am not sure how to summarize the last month. last I wrote, I had begun to realize just how much I need Jesus' strength to do this job/life; how much I need to pray; how much I need to read my Bible. God is still revealing that to me. He has been overwhelming me with how much I desperately need His Grace and how HUGE that Grace really is.

I went to the first night of a Spiritual Formation seminar at Biola/Talbot with my mom while i was home. It was by Dallas Willard on "Why is sin so attractive". Needless to say, it was SO good. Essentially, he said that sin is attractive because it is not called "sin" it is always masked deceptively. I was really convicted the whole night that I have been putting so so SO much of my hope in a guy I liked at home/still like. And, really, I don't know him well enough to say I really like him. God is teaching me to let that/him go. I am letting Him teach me where the line is between liking a guy and idolizing him.

The seminar also made me wonder the following: If, in Christ, we are to be completely satisfied, why does he have so many of us get married?

I get that marriage can reveal sin in us that no other thing in life can do butttt I have also been learning that everything God brings into our lives is His grace and is in the end, to bless us (This is a realllllly difficult thing to believe, but I KNOW it is true). SO I knew that revelation of sin couldn't be the only reason He wanted many of us married. SO I asked Cilla (mentor/RA Supervisor) what she thought. She said marriage reveals the oneness of God like no other relationship and to be that close to another person is incredible. She also said a whole bunch of other magnificent things but that stuck with me most. Apparently marriage IS a blessing. Who knew? Anna also pointed something out to me: sanctification is not just about revealing our sin, it is about teaching us to trust God and receive His grace. Hmm...

I talked to a lady in charge of REST (Real Escape from the Sex Trade--a ministry founded by Mars Hill Church, Seattle). I applied to be an intern next year at Mars Hill, potentially working with REST. We will see what happens with that.

I don't know where God wants me to go/what He wants me to do in life. I just know that people really, really, really, really need Jesus and I can't justify "settling down" and just living a suburban dream when I could "do" so much more in other life situations. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with suburbia, I just think God is calling me to something different.

Please be praying that I love my girls. I am working 5 days this next week as opposed to the usual 4 SO please pray for rest and that I would be kind. Thanks. Love ya. Bye for now.