Week 32

I worked a lot in the office again this week--I think I mentioned that I was taking over the Office Manager position in addition to being a staff with my girls. I like it because I am busy and not just sitting around. Woo! I have learned that I function best when I am fairly busy.

Something God has been bringing to my attention is that in some specific areas I have learned to manage/deny my emotions or thoughts using about psychology or people in general. I don't actually feel the insecurity or pain that these things cause, I just rationalize them away. I don't actually pray through the hurt/fear, I don't invite God to heal that I take it into my own hands and pretend it doesn't hurt or that I am not afraid. Satan took this opportunity of God's grace to increase the shame/accusation I feel regarding these areas. This shame/accusation quickly became pretty intense shame and subsequent anxiety over the fear that I have not ACTUALLY grown or changed at all for the better in the last few years, but I have just learned how to go about denial really, really well.

The student I have had the hardest time with is being expelled because she is not willing to change and continually breaks pretty intense rules and has been increasingly disrespectful. I have mixed feelings about it. I am sad because it feels like I am giving up on her. I am relieved because she is incredibly abrasive and negative. I am worried because she wants to go to the military but there is NO way they will take her attitude so she'll probably be kicked out and end up back on the street. I am SO excited for the other girls because the girls who she has been really negative with will not have their leader and will be more positive--I GUARANTEE that--and the girls who do not like her because she is mean will have a much safer-feeling environment to be in. Her leaving is going to change the dynamics of the group completely.

Megan is still in Nigeria. She is safe. Some of the stuff she has been describing to me about the realities of what is going on in the villages she is visiting astound me. I am supposed to talk with her tomorrow. WOOOOOOOO!

I heard more about the potential job at a university for the fall. There IS going to be a position available but there are some interesting dynamics regarding the position--ones I would not only be TOTALLY ok with but would actually really enjoy. I am still praying about it. I think this was another source of anxiety this week.

As I was thinking through the events of the day on Tuesday, just after the student that is being expelled got in my face and the girls were going crazy in the classroom, I realized that after this job, I will be able to handle some pretty intense things...I will obviously need to learn a ton more for whatever God will bring me to but this job is definitely helping in that regard!

I prayed through a lot of the sources of anxiety this morning and feel very confident in the fact that I can "do this" because God is near and He is upholding me. (Romans 14:4)

Week 31

I have been working here for 7 months today! That is weirddddd.

On Saturday my friend/boss and I came to work at 8pm and took the girls to a town about 1.5 hours away to have New Years Eve with a family and church that are sponsors for our program. The girls had a lot of fun. We hung out all day together the next day at the sponsor family's house. This week I took a lot of doctor runs and organized a lot in the office on campus. I am taking over more responsibility in the office due to the fact that the woman I am "c0-office managers" with is stretched too thin due in part to the fact that she is PREGNANTTTT!!!! WOOOO! She and her husband are both staff in the "troubled teen" programs--he works with the boys and she works with the girls. I am excited about this increase in responsibility. I am organizing all the medical files right now.

Last week on Saturday I fasted all day and prayed and read and prayed. It was really, really good. A Hunger for God by John Piper is SUCH a good book about fasting. I am learning that only God can satisfy and that He is a far superior comforter than anything. A women's Bible study I was listening to today from The Village Church called "Enduring Trials" said the following: (paraphrased) Webster's Dictionary defines "joy" as the feeling evoked with the prospect of possessing what one desires. We, as Christians, desire fellowship with God above all else. Therefore, we can have joy in trials NOT because we enjoy pain but because God, through trials, is inviting us into a deep, deep fellowship with Himself.

I got the "Leaders" package of Logos Bible Software for my birthday!!!!! Yes, my birthday IS still 3 weeks away, but it was on sale so I have it now. I'm SUPER excited about this. I have been wanting to get it for as long as I have been aware of it (so about 2-3 years).

I feel very content in the fact that this time is a time of fasting for me from things/people that are good gifts given by God in order that I might prize Him and allow Him to develop in me a DEEP faith that He is Good and that He is indeed the author and perfecter of that faith. In A Hunger for God, Piper mentions Romans 14 in reference to whether or not fasting is a Christian practice but the verse that stuck out to me was verse 4. "Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master1 that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand." I LOVEEEEEE THAT! We WILL be upheld, NOT because I am great or because I am able but because the Lord is able to make me stand. The fact that the ESV states "upheld" is an amazing picture, too. I see Jesus holding me up, not me standing by myself--I/we are entirely dependent on Him.

ALSO, the idea of being "satisfied" in Christ is an interesting one because the more deeply I know Jesus, the more and more and more and more I want of Him. I am never satisfied to the point of being full of Him and not wanting any more BUT I AM/can be satisfied to the extent that I don't really want the crappy substitutes I chase after. That last concept, of tasting the real thing and not wanting the nasty fake stuff is the same thing I have found with food--the more I refrain from eating crappy fake nastiness, and the more I have real food, the less I wantttt the fake nasty crappiness. Ok, I am off that soapbox now, back to Jesus--the more I know Christ, the more I want Him and the less I want substitutes. (None of this is to say that I have stopped running to my substitutes [aka idols] but it is to say that they don't satisfy like they used to and I generally feel more free to resist them than I have before.)