Week 32

I worked a lot in the office again this week--I think I mentioned that I was taking over the Office Manager position in addition to being a staff with my girls. I like it because I am busy and not just sitting around. Woo! I have learned that I function best when I am fairly busy.

Something God has been bringing to my attention is that in some specific areas I have learned to manage/deny my emotions or thoughts using about psychology or people in general. I don't actually feel the insecurity or pain that these things cause, I just rationalize them away. I don't actually pray through the hurt/fear, I don't invite God to heal that I take it into my own hands and pretend it doesn't hurt or that I am not afraid. Satan took this opportunity of God's grace to increase the shame/accusation I feel regarding these areas. This shame/accusation quickly became pretty intense shame and subsequent anxiety over the fear that I have not ACTUALLY grown or changed at all for the better in the last few years, but I have just learned how to go about denial really, really well.

The student I have had the hardest time with is being expelled because she is not willing to change and continually breaks pretty intense rules and has been increasingly disrespectful. I have mixed feelings about it. I am sad because it feels like I am giving up on her. I am relieved because she is incredibly abrasive and negative. I am worried because she wants to go to the military but there is NO way they will take her attitude so she'll probably be kicked out and end up back on the street. I am SO excited for the other girls because the girls who she has been really negative with will not have their leader and will be more positive--I GUARANTEE that--and the girls who do not like her because she is mean will have a much safer-feeling environment to be in. Her leaving is going to change the dynamics of the group completely.

Megan is still in Nigeria. She is safe. Some of the stuff she has been describing to me about the realities of what is going on in the villages she is visiting astound me. I am supposed to talk with her tomorrow. WOOOOOOOO!

I heard more about the potential job at a university for the fall. There IS going to be a position available but there are some interesting dynamics regarding the position--ones I would not only be TOTALLY ok with but would actually really enjoy. I am still praying about it. I think this was another source of anxiety this week.

As I was thinking through the events of the day on Tuesday, just after the student that is being expelled got in my face and the girls were going crazy in the classroom, I realized that after this job, I will be able to handle some pretty intense things...I will obviously need to learn a ton more for whatever God will bring me to but this job is definitely helping in that regard!

I prayed through a lot of the sources of anxiety this morning and feel very confident in the fact that I can "do this" because God is near and He is upholding me. (Romans 14:4)