Week 37

Seattle was fun :) Anna's dad baptized me on Sunday night at Mars Hill U-District!!! There is a picture on my Facebook "timeline". (I was baptized at 12 but I wasn't a Christian till I was 15 hah so there ya have it.) Here's what else happened during my visit:

Wednesday night I got into the train station in Seattle at 10pm. Anna, Jan, Lynn (Jan and Lynn are Anna's parents) and I all hung out for a bit before going to bed at 12am-ish.

Thursday morning I had a talk with Anna's mom over breakfast and coffee. Not super in depth but it was good--about the anxiety I have been having. Side note, coffee at the Quicks house is my absolute favorite coffee. I know this is all in my head though, since I've had the EXACT same coffee and cream elsewhere and it's not as good. hah In the afternoon, Anna and I went to The Ave in Seattle's U-District for coffee (again). We went into a few thrift stores. She got a cuteeee skirt and I got a blazer-the exact one I had been looking for for a few months-- AND it was 50% off woooo! That night Anna's boyfriend came over to the Quicks for dinner and then he, Anna and I went out for drinks. It was really fun. I like him. A LOT.

On Friday Anna, Jan and I went shopping and then Anna and I headed over to Jordan's house--one of Anna's childhood friends who had a baby 2 weeks ago--so I could hold her son, Elijah. It was really, really, really good to hold him. I weeped for a bit. I then got to play with Anna's nephew, Josiah, who is 14months old. It was all in all a very, very good day. Natalie--another of Anna's childhood friends--came over that night and we had a girls night. I had a good talk with Lynn that night too and decided to stay an extra two days in Seattle to be baptized rather than go to Portland to see Kels and Brian. Not seeing them was definitely sad but I am glad I got baptized.

Saturday morning Anna and I met up with some friends from college for brunch. That was SUPER fun. We had good talks about Jesus. Annnnd I hope one of them is going to come to work at my work :) woo!!!! Be praying for her as she decides--sorry if that's awkward to read Angie. hah Anna and I then went to hang out with her sister, Bethy and her two children, Bekkah and Ethan. Bekkah drew some pictures for me :) it was very sweet to see them. Anna's sisters are SUCH good moms. It amazes me! I like watching them with their kids, it's kind of healing to see a mom desperately love her kids (i.e. healing from the thing with my coworker and her baby). That night I hung out with Anna's sister Jarica and her son Josiah again. We went to Target and she got some realllllly cute clothes to wear while she's pregnant. I played hide and seek with Josiah for two hours while she shopped. It was DELIGHTFUL. I love that child. We then went out for drinks and appetizers and chatting. (Jarica and I got to go out because her husband told her to go out with me and have fun and rest. He is awesome.)

Sunday I got up and went out to a coffee shop to read and pray and read some more. It was fun. Then I went to church. I MISS CHURCH. Then I got baptized after Mark did (Anna's bf).

While I was in Seattle, I noticed how much I am starting to struggle with connecting with people. I was having a hard time talking. God revealed to me how very obsessed I am with how people view me--I work really hard to make people see me as I want them to see me. I really, really want to start counseling again.

I got back to work on Monday. I missed my girls a LOT. I took them to the dentist again on Tuesday all day. Wednesday I got to hang out with a few of the girls in the office and do work in the office--there was kind of an overwhelming amount to do because I was gone for so long.

On Tuesday I got a call from Human Resources at Biola about a job as an Administrative Assistant in the Counseling Center at Biola. I had applied to that job a few weeks ago. They want me to come interview. I will be traveling down on Tuesday with some former coworkers who are planning to come and visit. I am praying about whether to take the job if I get it still but I believe God has been opening doors right and left for this. I don't want to run from here though. Yep, I will keep praying.

Week 36

I am in Seattttttllleeeee!!! I am staying with Anna and her parents (obviously) for a few nights then I will be heading down to Portland to hang out with Kelsey and Brian for a night and morning.

I am reading a book called Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick--it's really, really good. Here's a quote: "As long as what you eat dominates your affections, thoughts, and behavior—even if you are eating small portions, starving yourself, or insisting on eating only “healthy” foods—your eating is gluttonous because your life is focused on food."

:) Well, I'm going now because I am here and I want to "be" here. Loveeee ya!

Week 35

I have been here EIGHT months! Insanity.

I am doing good... sort of... Hmm... I am fine being here. I love my job.

However, I have been incredibly anxious the last month and a half... well, more like two months now. I have been having pretty vivid nightmares almost every night. Like of running for a REALLLLY long time from someone/something or being attacked/raped. For a while it was taking me a few hours to fall asleep. I have also been struggling with wanting to eat more than I need to. (I really DO NOT want to write any of that [particularly the rape dreams and food] hah but I feel like I want to document it so that when God DOES free me from it I can be reminded of what He's freed me from. That was a longggg sentence. And I am worried people will think I am being "too open"... WOO! I just love insecurity/fear of man.)

I have not really been able to pin point whyyyyyy I am SO anxious. I know it has to do with "the abuse" and after my phone call with Anna today, I am pretty positive it has to do with my co-worker's murdered baby. Tied into that is the desire to have a baby so that I can love it as a way to heal the pain I feel when thinking about the way my co-worker treated her precious daughter. It makes me SO SICK and SOOO sad. Tied into the desire for a baby is the desire to be married. Then I think about the future and the fact that I have NO idea where to go from here. I am exploring job opportunities in universities in SoCal, Seattle and Chicago as well as a few other job opportunities that AREN'T in universities.

I think I am so anxious because I am trying to control the future and protect/heal myself from pain. I think I am struggling with trusting God with the future because I am afraid life will only ever be hard.

I got my nose pierced today. :) I want to dye my hair. Well, just put darker streaks in it. I don't think I am going to do that though because I do this--sudden, drastic changes to my physical appearance when I am really anxious. I think it's because it is something I can control. (I decided TODAY that I wanted to get my nose pierced after kind of (but not really) thinking about it for a week.)

On another note, Megan got back from Nigeria this past week(ish). She had a really, really great time butttt contracted Malaria that set in her last day there. She was treated with some pill that isn't legal yet in the US but is apparently EPIC at treating Malaria. She said she is okay now but really fatigued.