Week 35

I have been here EIGHT months! Insanity.

I am doing good... sort of... Hmm... I am fine being here. I love my job.

However, I have been incredibly anxious the last month and a half... well, more like two months now. I have been having pretty vivid nightmares almost every night. Like of running for a REALLLLY long time from someone/something or being attacked/raped. For a while it was taking me a few hours to fall asleep. I have also been struggling with wanting to eat more than I need to. (I really DO NOT want to write any of that [particularly the rape dreams and food] hah but I feel like I want to document it so that when God DOES free me from it I can be reminded of what He's freed me from. That was a longggg sentence. And I am worried people will think I am being "too open"... WOO! I just love insecurity/fear of man.)

I have not really been able to pin point whyyyyyy I am SO anxious. I know it has to do with "the abuse" and after my phone call with Anna today, I am pretty positive it has to do with my co-worker's murdered baby. Tied into that is the desire to have a baby so that I can love it as a way to heal the pain I feel when thinking about the way my co-worker treated her precious daughter. It makes me SO SICK and SOOO sad. Tied into the desire for a baby is the desire to be married. Then I think about the future and the fact that I have NO idea where to go from here. I am exploring job opportunities in universities in SoCal, Seattle and Chicago as well as a few other job opportunities that AREN'T in universities.

I think I am so anxious because I am trying to control the future and protect/heal myself from pain. I think I am struggling with trusting God with the future because I am afraid life will only ever be hard.

I got my nose pierced today. :) I want to dye my hair. Well, just put darker streaks in it. I don't think I am going to do that though because I do this--sudden, drastic changes to my physical appearance when I am really anxious. I think it's because it is something I can control. (I decided TODAY that I wanted to get my nose pierced after kind of (but not really) thinking about it for a week.)

On another note, Megan got back from Nigeria this past week(ish). She had a really, really great time butttt contracted Malaria that set in her last day there. She was treated with some pill that isn't legal yet in the US but is apparently EPIC at treating Malaria. She said she is okay now but really fatigued.