Week 40 (written basically on week 41 hah)

Well I left Redding for good on March 8! My last week at work was challenging because we had a lice outbreak-->ALL of the "troubled teen" program got lice from a girl we had gotten two months ago. My girls and I and a few other staff went to the laundromat on Sunday and washed all of the bedding and clothing of the lice-girls :) heh. We didn't find out till Wednesday that all of my girls got lice too :( disgusting. I am assuming they got it when they were doing the laundry... I don't know when else they would have.... I DO NOT HAVE LICE!!! Thank. Jesus. (Seriously) I am thinking I did not get the nastynasts because I only wash my hair every 3rd day and lice like clean hair not dirty hair. I have also heard they don't like coconut...not sure how reliable that is but if they don't, the fact that I put coconut oil on my hair probably also prevented me from obtaining the parasitic-nasties.--Not sure you wanted to know that much about my hair hygiene but eh, whatever.

Telling the girls I was leaving was really hard. They were very upset. It makes me sad to think about it still.

One of my girls--the girl that has been in the program the longest--graduated from high school on Wednesday. She worked SO freaking hard, so it was really good to see her finish.

I am really relieved to be home and not there anymore. At first, I felt really guilty about that but, honestly, I KNOW God had me there and I KNOW He took me out of there so I have no need for the guilt.

The freaky thing about the timing of my leaving is that I left on the day that made my time there total 40 weeks... 40 weeks in the wilderness... hmm... sound familiar?! Like the Israelites 40 YEARS in the wilderness?!?? Like what I have felt like God was doing the ENTIRE time I was in the wilderness-->teaching me that He is the one who gives me life, not church, family, friends (I had those in the "wilderness"...), church, a man, church... did I mention CHURCH!!! AHH!

On my drive home I listened to a sermon from last sunday by my church at home (Grace EV Free) and it just happened to be about God leading the people out of the wilderness into the Promised Land. Hmm.... Hmmmmm.... Interesting.

I know ultimately that the promised land God is leading me (us) towards is Heaven, but I also believe that God has been working hard core on my dependance on Him the last 9 months for a reason (for many reasons). I am excited to see what those are.

On Sunday, a friend was praying with me and she said that she felt that God was saying that I will see the restoration and healing of people for the rest of my life (the word "restore" or "restorer" has been brought up by God a lot in regards to His "call" on my life) but this season is essential for that process. I need to let God unfold His plan as He will, when He will and I will be overwhelmed by His goodness.

I found out today that I got the job at Biola!!!! WOOOO!!!!!!! I am really excited :) I start Monday!

Week 39

My friend was here this week who has been thinking about coming to work with my girls. She is going to take the job!!! She will start April 1st. She is seriously going to be amaaaaazing. She already was really good with the girls. She and I are similar in a lot of ways and the girls know I love and respect her a lot so she already has good rapport with them.

Last week I was home for my job interview at the Biola Counseling Center. I got a ride down to Southern CA with some former co-workers who had come up to visit. I got to have coffee with a lot of friends so that was REALLY, REALLLLLY nice. I miss them. A LOT. I got a ride back to Redding on Amtrak with my friend/coworker/boss, Sarah. She is applying to a job at Biola tooooo! WOO! (The job she is applying for wouldn't start till July 23.)

The interview at Biola went really well. The first part was a clerical, numerical and verbal test and the first part of that was kind of difficult because I was really nervous. THen I had an interview with a lady from Human Resources. She was REALLY nice but I didn't know how to read her so it made me nervous. After that interview, I went over to the Counseling Center and was only supposed to interview with the Office Manager whose name is Jenny. She was really nice and I liked talking with her. That interview lasted about half an hour. She then said that the Administrative Assistant, Kelly, also wanted to meet me. So Kelly came and interviewed me for another half hour. After that, they asked me to wait in the interview room. I waited a few minutes and they came back and asked if I could come back that afternoon and meet with the director of the Counseling Center. I OBVIOUSLY said I could! So I met with him an hour later. That also went really well but I was nervous because he asked/said really insightful things and so I opened up a little more than I was expecting to. He's a psychologist. I should have seen that coming.

I have not heard anything back from Biola yet. Gabi, who worked in the Counseling Center and actually had the job I am applying for, said that she heard they really like me so that is good. But, again, I haven't heard anything about the job yet. I have been pretty anxious about it intermittently because I do really want this job. I would love it. I don't think it will SAVE me to get the job (i.e. I don't think I will have a problem free life and all my pain will be healed), but I know I would love the actual work and I would be good at it....annnnd it's at Biola. Having to wait to know about the job IS good because I have to remind myself constantly that God has got it, He loves me and I ABSOLUTELY can trust Him.

If I get the job, my last day at JYA will be March 7 so that I can go to a friend's wedding and go see Megan and Kelsey before I start work at the Counseling Center on the 19th. I already put in my two weeks notice at JYA--but if I DON'T get the Biola job, I will stay here. If I do leave next week though, I will have been here 40 weeks which I find to be quite significant... Jesus fasted 40 days in the wilderness; Israel was wandering in the wilderness; Pregnancy is 40 weeks... it is just very interesting.

We'll see what God says.

Week 37

Seattle was fun :) Anna's dad baptized me on Sunday night at Mars Hill U-District!!! There is a picture on my Facebook "timeline". (I was baptized at 12 but I wasn't a Christian till I was 15 hah so there ya have it.) Here's what else happened during my visit:

Wednesday night I got into the train station in Seattle at 10pm. Anna, Jan, Lynn (Jan and Lynn are Anna's parents) and I all hung out for a bit before going to bed at 12am-ish.

Thursday morning I had a talk with Anna's mom over breakfast and coffee. Not super in depth but it was good--about the anxiety I have been having. Side note, coffee at the Quicks house is my absolute favorite coffee. I know this is all in my head though, since I've had the EXACT same coffee and cream elsewhere and it's not as good. hah In the afternoon, Anna and I went to The Ave in Seattle's U-District for coffee (again). We went into a few thrift stores. She got a cuteeee skirt and I got a blazer-the exact one I had been looking for for a few months-- AND it was 50% off woooo! That night Anna's boyfriend came over to the Quicks for dinner and then he, Anna and I went out for drinks. It was really fun. I like him. A LOT.

On Friday Anna, Jan and I went shopping and then Anna and I headed over to Jordan's house--one of Anna's childhood friends who had a baby 2 weeks ago--so I could hold her son, Elijah. It was really, really, really good to hold him. I weeped for a bit. I then got to play with Anna's nephew, Josiah, who is 14months old. It was all in all a very, very good day. Natalie--another of Anna's childhood friends--came over that night and we had a girls night. I had a good talk with Lynn that night too and decided to stay an extra two days in Seattle to be baptized rather than go to Portland to see Kels and Brian. Not seeing them was definitely sad but I am glad I got baptized.

Saturday morning Anna and I met up with some friends from college for brunch. That was SUPER fun. We had good talks about Jesus. Annnnd I hope one of them is going to come to work at my work :) woo!!!! Be praying for her as she decides--sorry if that's awkward to read Angie. hah Anna and I then went to hang out with her sister, Bethy and her two children, Bekkah and Ethan. Bekkah drew some pictures for me :) it was very sweet to see them. Anna's sisters are SUCH good moms. It amazes me! I like watching them with their kids, it's kind of healing to see a mom desperately love her kids (i.e. healing from the thing with my coworker and her baby). That night I hung out with Anna's sister Jarica and her son Josiah again. We went to Target and she got some realllllly cute clothes to wear while she's pregnant. I played hide and seek with Josiah for two hours while she shopped. It was DELIGHTFUL. I love that child. We then went out for drinks and appetizers and chatting. (Jarica and I got to go out because her husband told her to go out with me and have fun and rest. He is awesome.)

Sunday I got up and went out to a coffee shop to read and pray and read some more. It was fun. Then I went to church. I MISS CHURCH. Then I got baptized after Mark did (Anna's bf).

While I was in Seattle, I noticed how much I am starting to struggle with connecting with people. I was having a hard time talking. God revealed to me how very obsessed I am with how people view me--I work really hard to make people see me as I want them to see me. I really, really want to start counseling again.

I got back to work on Monday. I missed my girls a LOT. I took them to the dentist again on Tuesday all day. Wednesday I got to hang out with a few of the girls in the office and do work in the office--there was kind of an overwhelming amount to do because I was gone for so long.

On Tuesday I got a call from Human Resources at Biola about a job as an Administrative Assistant in the Counseling Center at Biola. I had applied to that job a few weeks ago. They want me to come interview. I will be traveling down on Tuesday with some former coworkers who are planning to come and visit. I am praying about whether to take the job if I get it still but I believe God has been opening doors right and left for this. I don't want to run from here though. Yep, I will keep praying.

Week 36

I am in Seattttttllleeeee!!! I am staying with Anna and her parents (obviously) for a few nights then I will be heading down to Portland to hang out with Kelsey and Brian for a night and morning.

I am reading a book called Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick--it's really, really good. Here's a quote: "As long as what you eat dominates your affections, thoughts, and behavior—even if you are eating small portions, starving yourself, or insisting on eating only “healthy” foods—your eating is gluttonous because your life is focused on food."

:) Well, I'm going now because I am here and I want to "be" here. Loveeee ya!

Week 35

I have been here EIGHT months! Insanity.

I am doing good... sort of... Hmm... I am fine being here. I love my job.

However, I have been incredibly anxious the last month and a half... well, more like two months now. I have been having pretty vivid nightmares almost every night. Like of running for a REALLLLY long time from someone/something or being attacked/raped. For a while it was taking me a few hours to fall asleep. I have also been struggling with wanting to eat more than I need to. (I really DO NOT want to write any of that [particularly the rape dreams and food] hah but I feel like I want to document it so that when God DOES free me from it I can be reminded of what He's freed me from. That was a longggg sentence. And I am worried people will think I am being "too open"... WOO! I just love insecurity/fear of man.)

I have not really been able to pin point whyyyyyy I am SO anxious. I know it has to do with "the abuse" and after my phone call with Anna today, I am pretty positive it has to do with my co-worker's murdered baby. Tied into that is the desire to have a baby so that I can love it as a way to heal the pain I feel when thinking about the way my co-worker treated her precious daughter. It makes me SO SICK and SOOO sad. Tied into the desire for a baby is the desire to be married. Then I think about the future and the fact that I have NO idea where to go from here. I am exploring job opportunities in universities in SoCal, Seattle and Chicago as well as a few other job opportunities that AREN'T in universities.

I think I am so anxious because I am trying to control the future and protect/heal myself from pain. I think I am struggling with trusting God with the future because I am afraid life will only ever be hard.

I got my nose pierced today. :) I want to dye my hair. Well, just put darker streaks in it. I don't think I am going to do that though because I do this--sudden, drastic changes to my physical appearance when I am really anxious. I think it's because it is something I can control. (I decided TODAY that I wanted to get my nose pierced after kind of (but not really) thinking about it for a week.)

On another note, Megan got back from Nigeria this past week(ish). She had a really, really great time butttt contracted Malaria that set in her last day there. She was treated with some pill that isn't legal yet in the US but is apparently EPIC at treating Malaria. She said she is okay now but really fatigued.

Week 32

I worked a lot in the office again this week--I think I mentioned that I was taking over the Office Manager position in addition to being a staff with my girls. I like it because I am busy and not just sitting around. Woo! I have learned that I function best when I am fairly busy.

Something God has been bringing to my attention is that in some specific areas I have learned to manage/deny my emotions or thoughts using about psychology or people in general. I don't actually feel the insecurity or pain that these things cause, I just rationalize them away. I don't actually pray through the hurt/fear, I don't invite God to heal that I take it into my own hands and pretend it doesn't hurt or that I am not afraid. Satan took this opportunity of God's grace to increase the shame/accusation I feel regarding these areas. This shame/accusation quickly became pretty intense shame and subsequent anxiety over the fear that I have not ACTUALLY grown or changed at all for the better in the last few years, but I have just learned how to go about denial really, really well.

The student I have had the hardest time with is being expelled because she is not willing to change and continually breaks pretty intense rules and has been increasingly disrespectful. I have mixed feelings about it. I am sad because it feels like I am giving up on her. I am relieved because she is incredibly abrasive and negative. I am worried because she wants to go to the military but there is NO way they will take her attitude so she'll probably be kicked out and end up back on the street. I am SO excited for the other girls because the girls who she has been really negative with will not have their leader and will be more positive--I GUARANTEE that--and the girls who do not like her because she is mean will have a much safer-feeling environment to be in. Her leaving is going to change the dynamics of the group completely.

Megan is still in Nigeria. She is safe. Some of the stuff she has been describing to me about the realities of what is going on in the villages she is visiting astound me. I am supposed to talk with her tomorrow. WOOOOOOOO!

I heard more about the potential job at a university for the fall. There IS going to be a position available but there are some interesting dynamics regarding the position--ones I would not only be TOTALLY ok with but would actually really enjoy. I am still praying about it. I think this was another source of anxiety this week.

As I was thinking through the events of the day on Tuesday, just after the student that is being expelled got in my face and the girls were going crazy in the classroom, I realized that after this job, I will be able to handle some pretty intense things...I will obviously need to learn a ton more for whatever God will bring me to but this job is definitely helping in that regard!

I prayed through a lot of the sources of anxiety this morning and feel very confident in the fact that I can "do this" because God is near and He is upholding me. (Romans 14:4)

Week 31

I have been working here for 7 months today! That is weirddddd.

On Saturday my friend/boss and I came to work at 8pm and took the girls to a town about 1.5 hours away to have New Years Eve with a family and church that are sponsors for our program. The girls had a lot of fun. We hung out all day together the next day at the sponsor family's house. This week I took a lot of doctor runs and organized a lot in the office on campus. I am taking over more responsibility in the office due to the fact that the woman I am "c0-office managers" with is stretched too thin due in part to the fact that she is PREGNANTTTT!!!! WOOOO! She and her husband are both staff in the "troubled teen" programs--he works with the boys and she works with the girls. I am excited about this increase in responsibility. I am organizing all the medical files right now.

Last week on Saturday I fasted all day and prayed and read and prayed. It was really, really good. A Hunger for God by John Piper is SUCH a good book about fasting. I am learning that only God can satisfy and that He is a far superior comforter than anything. A women's Bible study I was listening to today from The Village Church called "Enduring Trials" said the following: (paraphrased) Webster's Dictionary defines "joy" as the feeling evoked with the prospect of possessing what one desires. We, as Christians, desire fellowship with God above all else. Therefore, we can have joy in trials NOT because we enjoy pain but because God, through trials, is inviting us into a deep, deep fellowship with Himself.

I got the "Leaders" package of Logos Bible Software for my birthday!!!!! Yes, my birthday IS still 3 weeks away, but it was on sale so I have it now. I'm SUPER excited about this. I have been wanting to get it for as long as I have been aware of it (so about 2-3 years).

I feel very content in the fact that this time is a time of fasting for me from things/people that are good gifts given by God in order that I might prize Him and allow Him to develop in me a DEEP faith that He is Good and that He is indeed the author and perfecter of that faith. In A Hunger for God, Piper mentions Romans 14 in reference to whether or not fasting is a Christian practice but the verse that stuck out to me was verse 4. "Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master1 that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand." I LOVEEEEEE THAT! We WILL be upheld, NOT because I am great or because I am able but because the Lord is able to make me stand. The fact that the ESV states "upheld" is an amazing picture, too. I see Jesus holding me up, not me standing by myself--I/we are entirely dependent on Him.

ALSO, the idea of being "satisfied" in Christ is an interesting one because the more deeply I know Jesus, the more and more and more and more I want of Him. I am never satisfied to the point of being full of Him and not wanting any more BUT I AM/can be satisfied to the extent that I don't really want the crappy substitutes I chase after. That last concept, of tasting the real thing and not wanting the nasty fake stuff is the same thing I have found with food--the more I refrain from eating crappy fake nastiness, and the more I have real food, the less I wantttt the fake nasty crappiness. Ok, I am off that soapbox now, back to Jesus--the more I know Christ, the more I want Him and the less I want substitutes. (None of this is to say that I have stopped running to my substitutes [aka idols] but it is to say that they don't satisfy like they used to and I generally feel more free to resist them than I have before.)