Week 30

Being home last weekend was really nice but it was hard to come back. I was able to see a few of my dear friends and hang out with my family. Megan, my sister, went to Nigeria on Tuesday. She will be there for a month ministering in various ways to kids who are living on the street in Jos and encouraging/supporting missionaries currently in Nigeria at a missionary prayer conference. Please be praying for her. Thanks. :)

Coming back to Redding from being at home was hard. I did not want to leave. Through the internal struggle I have had regarding returning, God has been showing me how much I have been focusing on myself and my loneliness rather than actually letting my life be used here. I've been praying about that--how intensely self absorbed I am.

A testament to God's work: There was a lady visiting this week and she said to my boss that I was really good with my girls and handled them being disruptive or rude well. For that to be true God has to have done some INTENSE work on my heart and the ways I deal with being disrespected. WOO!!!! There have been a few moments I've felt myself getting prideful about that compliment and then I remember how much I have always struggled with being kind and with responding gently to being disrespected or confronted and I giggle. There is NO way me being nice to or good with my girls is through my own abilities. God is shaping me. Woo! Who knew that the way to disarm people and actually have them hear you is through being gentle?! (Answer: Jesus)

There is the possibility of an opportunity to work in residence life at a university in the fall that I have been made aware of this week. I am praying about this. I can't really give any more details than that but please just be praying that God would open doors if He wants me to be in this position and shut them if He doesn't.

I have really enjoyed being with the girls this week. It is SO incredibly hard but I have to believe that God is using me.

Yesterday I went to Sacramento with Sarah (friend/boss) and Jessica (friend from Redding) so Jessica could take the certification test to become an Occupational Therapist. Sarah and I hung out and then we all went to dinner together. It was really fun. I enjoy being with them.

Today I got to spend some time with Jesus. I like Him. A lot. I read through Galatians. That book is SWEET! Some of the verses that God spoke to me particularly through are listed at the bottom of this post. On the way down the mountain into Redding, I listened to "Between a Rock and a Hard Place" by Paul Hurst from Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church. It was SO good. As I was listening I thought back to all God has done in my life; especially over the last three years. I am amazed. I am in no way the person I was--the coolest part of that/the part that makes me so incredibly grateful is that God did it and there is absolutely no way I could have. Through the sermon, God encouraged me to keep trusting Him because He is good and has a specific plan for my life in which He is leading me.

Today I was at a coffee shop and decided to look up my favorite verse, Isaiah 58:12, and see if there were any cool pictures involving that verse on Google Images. I couldn't find anything but kept looking through pages of results and came upon one image that was just "Heidi" in black letters on a white background. I obviously clicked on the link which linked to an article written by a woman who is a missionary in Asia. I've been at an impasse in working through a few particular issues and have been praying that if God wants me to work through them now, He'd bring them up and help me. I was a little freaked out she I read her article because what she wrote discussed both things I had just been praying that God would bring up. After reading her article, I read some of her blog and God encouraged me through it to keep trusting Him and believing that He will bring things to pass when they are His will. I believe His will right now is for me to be here and to be alone with Him.

1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

4:6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!”

5:22&23, 6:1 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law...Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

6:9&10 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Week 29

I'm going hommmeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I was supposed to leave today at 5:40pm via Greyhound but apparently the bus was oversold so I did not make that one. :( Instead I will be leaving Redding around 11:50pm. I'll get into LA 6 hours later than I would have had I made the 5:40pm bus. That doesn't seem like much but when you take into consideration the fact that I will only be home 2 days, it makes a little more sense why I am bummed. I was praying about it and I know Jesus has got it. I am sad but I will trust Him.

This week I took 4 other girls shopping with the same couple who took the other girls shopping last week. It was really fun. I also got to organize some of the office. I love organizing. It makes my heart happy.

I've been praying about going overseas, specifically to Asia, next year. No decision yet, but I'm praying. I've been praying about next year in general a lot this week.

Hmm.... whaaaat else? I don't think I have much to say this week. Love you.

Week 28

This week I was off campus a lot taking girls to church, to the doctor, to the store, to the airport, etc. I like when I get to do that because I get to hang out with the students I am with in a more direct way. I also like it because I am not "on the mountain". :)

This week was especially hard for me to be kind and/or patient with one student in particular. I almost snapped at her and did "give her attitude" a few times. As I was walking with my girls back towards the dorm from our dining hall, thinking about how frustrated I was with this particular student, God said, "so are you just going to love the lovable?" AHHHHlahroieiaegoeanehaeiw. It is always SO fun to have your actions and thoughts exposed by God for what they REALLY are. woooo. so fun.

I am starting to pray that God would show me where He is working on me or how I can grow through this season rather than praying that God would show me that He is not only sovereign but good. He is good. I need to stop freaking out about the fact I act as though that is not true and ask God to mold me the way He intends to for this season. Which, I believe, will get my eyes off of me and my concerns for my future and onto God and what He is doing.

I am still struggling with letting go of a guy from home. It annoys me that I still think about him. It also annoys me that I am annoyed with my thoughts about him and therefore dwell on how ridiculous me thinking about him is instead of just praying about it. My mind is so fun sometimes.

I have been thinking about missions again. I want to "go". I don't know where or when or for how long. All I know is that I want to "go". Freakin' school debt.

What I am praying and thinking about missions:

I think and hope that I will eventually "go" but do I wait till I pay off all my student loans--I don't want other people to pay for my education when I could have easily gone to a less expensive school. [By the way, I know God wanted me to be at HIU.]

Do I go on a short-term trip? I don't really like the idea of them; they seem to do more good for the individual going than for the individuals being "ministered" to--not that that is negative. I just think that maybe I would rather donate the money I would spend on the trip to an organization in a local community.

What about the church here? There are obvious places God is moving here. There are people here who need Jesus.

We'll see what Jesus says.

Week 27

I had fun with my girls this week and it was eventful. All my girls and the ladies I work with (not the "troubled teen" staff but the staff for myyyy girls) went off campus yesterday. We took the girls to In-N-Out and then to see The Help at the dollar theater in town. That movie is amazing; deffffffinitely one of my favorites. Monday night one of my girls was adjusting a mirror in her room and it shattered. One of the large pieces fell and sliced her neck, barely missing her carotid artery. :/ I took her to the ER and they stitched her up. She's fine now but that was a freaky experience.

Jesus let me see how much one of the troubled teen girls has grown in the last 6 months. That was incredibly helpful/encouraging to my heart. He also let me feel the weight of what I am/my work is doing for these girls. It helps to be reminded sometimes because it is easy to get caught up in the daily routine and the stress of being treated....not so great... by a bunch of really loud and moody teenage girls and forget what they are dealing with.

I am often annoyed with myself because I feel that my emotions and thoughts are soooo unstable. I go from being really excited about being here and wanting to leave immediately. It is hard to be away from home right now. When I am working I am fine but on my days off it's hard to not be with my friends and family. I think the fact that Christmas is so close is increasing the difficulty of being here. Also, the fact that HIU had "Biola Bowl" (flag football tourney that I have fond memories of and my dear friends went to) last weekend made me sad.

I've been wanting to be married and have a family lately. I think the wanting to have a family started last month when we found out about Jessica's baby. I have been wanting to hold a baby ever since then. There was a tiny baby girl in the movie theater last night--I kept staring at her and I am sure her mom thought I was CREEEEEPY but I didn't care. I feel like I have expressed this before but I'll say it again: though I am afraid/anxious about being married and about being a mom, I have more consistently been afraid of being a mom than of being married... until now. This whole thing (Jessica's baby) has been something God has used to increase/establish my desire to be a mom.

That brings about a greater struggle with being single and a greater fear that I will never be a wife or a mom. I'm praying about this.

Peace out, girl scout. I love you.

Week 26

I missed updating this lovely blog last week, oops! So here's what happened last week:

I was supposed to go to Portland to see Kels and Brian and then drive up to Seattle to spend Thanksgiving with Megan, Anna and Anna's family. However, as I was driving back from Sacramento from dropping Sarah (boss/friend) off at the airport, traveling another 25+ hours to spend a total of about a day with my beloved friends/family seemed quite exhausting and expensive. So, I chose to stay in Redding with the Bailey family, who I've been staying with the past few weeks.

While I was very sad to not see Kels, Brian, Megan, Anna and the rest of the Quick family, I felt like staying in Redding was the best decision I could make. I felt this way not only because of time and money but because I have been FIGHTING whole-heartedly with God about staying here for the next 6 months. By choosing to stay here for Thanksgiving, I felt like I was surrendering a little more of that fight and choosing to build my friendships here rather than cling to all I find myself in apart from God.

I was reading A Hunger for God again and Piper talked about why God commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. He said that God wasn't asking Abraham to go through the act of surrendering all that he prized and all that was his hope for the future, so that He (God) would know if Abraham would surrender all for God; instead, God called Abraham to surrender Isaac so that Abraham would know that he (Abraham) was willing to surrender all to and for God. God pretty clearly has shown me that though me staying here for 1 year is NOWHERE near the sacrifice of a son, it is an act of me sacrificing pretty much everything that I hold precious and that find any security in for the future SO THAT I can truly know whether I will sacrifice all for and to God.

Last week I was praying through the fact that I really, really, really did not want to sacrifice any of my dreams and the people I am missing terribly so that I know my heart is truly God's and so that I can be with God by learning to wait, rest and hope in Him alone. I knew that being truly willing to sacrifice all would mean that God would lead me where He desires and those places would not necessarily be what I am planning or desiring. I was completely filled with fear. I think God gave me the following picture of where my heart and mind were at: I saw myself with my arm out to keep God away because He was too risky and letting Him in completely would cost too much (i.e. it would cost everything).

This week I was the only staff on my shift again but Sarah (boss/friend) was also gone. It was not that bad. It was for sureeee hard but I have been really enjoying spending time with my girls. We got a new girl yesterday, she seems like she will do well here in that she seems like she truly wants out of "the game" as the girls call it.

I had still been feeling farther from God than I wanted but I wasn't sure why. It wasn't till I was praying Wednesday night that I realized I still was holding God away and I had not truly surrendered my heart and my life to Christ since I started running from Him a few weeks ago. (By the way, I would not consider this "rededicating my life" hah but my will had been very set on disobeying God and I knew I needed to let Him be in control of it.) After praying through that and actually surrendering I still felt far from Him but kept praying that He would help me to truly believe He is good and that my faith would grow. I also picked up Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that I coincidently stopped reading about the same time that I decided I needed to get the heck out of Redding. :/ Let me tell you, rebelling against God is ALWAYS the best way to get peace! It works every single time.... or never.

The chapter I read this morning was called "Single-Minded Obedience" :)... appropriate, I believe. Through this chapter, God has brought me to the understanding that here, in Redding, is where He has determined is the only place that faith is truly possible for me at this time. Being here is His gracious offer to me that I may truly believe Him. He is helping me to understand that His Word is more secure than any of my "other securities" (i.e. idols, but you know, tomato tomato--that doesn't really work when I type it hah). Some awesome quotes/paraphrases: "He grants faith only to those who obey Him." Only way of combatting legalism is true obedience to call of Christ." "It's only through actual obedience that a man can become liberated to believe."