I was supposed to go to Portland to see Kels and Brian and then drive up to Seattle to spend Thanksgiving with Megan, Anna and Anna's family. However, as I was driving back from Sacramento from dropping Sarah (boss/friend) off at the airport, traveling another 25+ hours to spend a total of about a day with my beloved friends/family seemed quite exhausting and expensive. So, I chose to stay in Redding with the Bailey family, who I've been staying with the past few weeks.
While I was very sad to not see Kels, Brian, Megan, Anna and the rest of the Quick family, I felt like staying in Redding was the best decision I could make. I felt this way not only because of time and money but because I have been FIGHTING whole-heartedly with God about staying here for the next 6 months. By choosing to stay here for Thanksgiving, I felt like I was surrendering a little more of that fight and choosing to build my friendships here rather than cling to all I find myself in apart from God.
I was reading A Hunger for God again and Piper talked about why God commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. He said that God wasn't asking Abraham to go through the act of surrendering all that he prized and all that was his hope for the future, so that He (God) would know if Abraham would surrender all for God; instead, God called Abraham to surrender Isaac so that Abraham would know that he (Abraham) was willing to surrender all to and for God. God pretty clearly has shown me that though me staying here for 1 year is NOWHERE near the sacrifice of a son, it is an act of me sacrificing pretty much everything that I hold precious and that find any security in for the future SO THAT I can truly know whether I will sacrifice all for and to God.
Last week I was praying through the fact that I really, really, really did not want to sacrifice any of my dreams and the people I am missing terribly so that I know my heart is truly God's and so that I can be with God by learning to wait, rest and hope in Him alone. I knew that being truly willing to sacrifice all would mean that God would lead me where He desires and those places would not necessarily be what I am planning or desiring. I was completely filled with fear. I think God gave me the following picture of where my heart and mind were at: I saw myself with my arm out to keep God away because He was too risky and letting Him in completely would cost too much (i.e. it would cost everything).
This week I was the only staff on my shift again but Sarah (boss/friend) was also gone. It was not that bad. It was for sureeee hard but I have been really enjoying spending time with my girls. We got a new girl yesterday, she seems like she will do well here in that she seems like she truly wants out of "the game" as the girls call it.
I had still been feeling farther from God than I wanted but I wasn't sure why. It wasn't till I was praying Wednesday night that I realized I still was holding God away and I had not truly surrendered my heart and my life to Christ since I started running from Him a few weeks ago. (By the way, I would not consider this "rededicating my life" hah but my will had been very set on disobeying God and I knew I needed to let Him be in control of it.) After praying through that and actually surrendering I still felt far from Him but kept praying that He would help me to truly believe He is good and that my faith would grow. I also picked up Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that I coincidently stopped reading about the same time that I decided I needed to get the heck out of Redding. :/ Let me tell you, rebelling against God is ALWAYS the best way to get peace! It works every single time.... or never.
The chapter I read this morning was called "Single-Minded Obedience" :)... appropriate, I believe. Through this chapter, God has brought me to the understanding that here, in Redding, is where He has determined is the only place that faith is truly possible for me at this time. Being here is His gracious offer to me that I may truly believe Him. He is helping me to understand that His Word is more secure than any of my "other securities" (i.e. idols, but you know, tomato tomato--that doesn't really work when I type it hah). Some awesome quotes/paraphrases: "He grants faith only to those who obey Him." Only way of combatting legalism is true obedience to call of Christ." "It's only through actual obedience that a man can become liberated to believe."
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