Week 30

Being home last weekend was really nice but it was hard to come back. I was able to see a few of my dear friends and hang out with my family. Megan, my sister, went to Nigeria on Tuesday. She will be there for a month ministering in various ways to kids who are living on the street in Jos and encouraging/supporting missionaries currently in Nigeria at a missionary prayer conference. Please be praying for her. Thanks. :)

Coming back to Redding from being at home was hard. I did not want to leave. Through the internal struggle I have had regarding returning, God has been showing me how much I have been focusing on myself and my loneliness rather than actually letting my life be used here. I've been praying about that--how intensely self absorbed I am.

A testament to God's work: There was a lady visiting this week and she said to my boss that I was really good with my girls and handled them being disruptive or rude well. For that to be true God has to have done some INTENSE work on my heart and the ways I deal with being disrespected. WOO!!!! There have been a few moments I've felt myself getting prideful about that compliment and then I remember how much I have always struggled with being kind and with responding gently to being disrespected or confronted and I giggle. There is NO way me being nice to or good with my girls is through my own abilities. God is shaping me. Woo! Who knew that the way to disarm people and actually have them hear you is through being gentle?! (Answer: Jesus)

There is the possibility of an opportunity to work in residence life at a university in the fall that I have been made aware of this week. I am praying about this. I can't really give any more details than that but please just be praying that God would open doors if He wants me to be in this position and shut them if He doesn't.

I have really enjoyed being with the girls this week. It is SO incredibly hard but I have to believe that God is using me.

Yesterday I went to Sacramento with Sarah (friend/boss) and Jessica (friend from Redding) so Jessica could take the certification test to become an Occupational Therapist. Sarah and I hung out and then we all went to dinner together. It was really fun. I enjoy being with them.

Today I got to spend some time with Jesus. I like Him. A lot. I read through Galatians. That book is SWEET! Some of the verses that God spoke to me particularly through are listed at the bottom of this post. On the way down the mountain into Redding, I listened to "Between a Rock and a Hard Place" by Paul Hurst from Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church. It was SO good. As I was listening I thought back to all God has done in my life; especially over the last three years. I am amazed. I am in no way the person I was--the coolest part of that/the part that makes me so incredibly grateful is that God did it and there is absolutely no way I could have. Through the sermon, God encouraged me to keep trusting Him because He is good and has a specific plan for my life in which He is leading me.

Today I was at a coffee shop and decided to look up my favorite verse, Isaiah 58:12, and see if there were any cool pictures involving that verse on Google Images. I couldn't find anything but kept looking through pages of results and came upon one image that was just "Heidi" in black letters on a white background. I obviously clicked on the link which linked to an article written by a woman who is a missionary in Asia. I've been at an impasse in working through a few particular issues and have been praying that if God wants me to work through them now, He'd bring them up and help me. I was a little freaked out she I read her article because what she wrote discussed both things I had just been praying that God would bring up. After reading her article, I read some of her blog and God encouraged me through it to keep trusting Him and believing that He will bring things to pass when they are His will. I believe His will right now is for me to be here and to be alone with Him.

1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

4:6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!”

5:22&23, 6:1 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,self-control; against such things there is no law...Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

6:9&10 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Week 29

I'm going hommmeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I was supposed to leave today at 5:40pm via Greyhound but apparently the bus was oversold so I did not make that one. :( Instead I will be leaving Redding around 11:50pm. I'll get into LA 6 hours later than I would have had I made the 5:40pm bus. That doesn't seem like much but when you take into consideration the fact that I will only be home 2 days, it makes a little more sense why I am bummed. I was praying about it and I know Jesus has got it. I am sad but I will trust Him.

This week I took 4 other girls shopping with the same couple who took the other girls shopping last week. It was really fun. I also got to organize some of the office. I love organizing. It makes my heart happy.

I've been praying about going overseas, specifically to Asia, next year. No decision yet, but I'm praying. I've been praying about next year in general a lot this week.

Hmm.... whaaaat else? I don't think I have much to say this week. Love you.

Week 28

This week I was off campus a lot taking girls to church, to the doctor, to the store, to the airport, etc. I like when I get to do that because I get to hang out with the students I am with in a more direct way. I also like it because I am not "on the mountain". :)

This week was especially hard for me to be kind and/or patient with one student in particular. I almost snapped at her and did "give her attitude" a few times. As I was walking with my girls back towards the dorm from our dining hall, thinking about how frustrated I was with this particular student, God said, "so are you just going to love the lovable?" AHHHHlahroieiaegoeanehaeiw. It is always SO fun to have your actions and thoughts exposed by God for what they REALLY are. woooo. so fun.

I am starting to pray that God would show me where He is working on me or how I can grow through this season rather than praying that God would show me that He is not only sovereign but good. He is good. I need to stop freaking out about the fact I act as though that is not true and ask God to mold me the way He intends to for this season. Which, I believe, will get my eyes off of me and my concerns for my future and onto God and what He is doing.

I am still struggling with letting go of a guy from home. It annoys me that I still think about him. It also annoys me that I am annoyed with my thoughts about him and therefore dwell on how ridiculous me thinking about him is instead of just praying about it. My mind is so fun sometimes.

I have been thinking about missions again. I want to "go". I don't know where or when or for how long. All I know is that I want to "go". Freakin' school debt.

What I am praying and thinking about missions:

I think and hope that I will eventually "go" but do I wait till I pay off all my student loans--I don't want other people to pay for my education when I could have easily gone to a less expensive school. [By the way, I know God wanted me to be at HIU.]

Do I go on a short-term trip? I don't really like the idea of them; they seem to do more good for the individual going than for the individuals being "ministered" to--not that that is negative. I just think that maybe I would rather donate the money I would spend on the trip to an organization in a local community.

What about the church here? There are obvious places God is moving here. There are people here who need Jesus.

We'll see what Jesus says.

Week 27

I had fun with my girls this week and it was eventful. All my girls and the ladies I work with (not the "troubled teen" staff but the staff for myyyy girls) went off campus yesterday. We took the girls to In-N-Out and then to see The Help at the dollar theater in town. That movie is amazing; deffffffinitely one of my favorites. Monday night one of my girls was adjusting a mirror in her room and it shattered. One of the large pieces fell and sliced her neck, barely missing her carotid artery. :/ I took her to the ER and they stitched her up. She's fine now but that was a freaky experience.

Jesus let me see how much one of the troubled teen girls has grown in the last 6 months. That was incredibly helpful/encouraging to my heart. He also let me feel the weight of what I am/my work is doing for these girls. It helps to be reminded sometimes because it is easy to get caught up in the daily routine and the stress of being treated....not so great... by a bunch of really loud and moody teenage girls and forget what they are dealing with.

I am often annoyed with myself because I feel that my emotions and thoughts are soooo unstable. I go from being really excited about being here and wanting to leave immediately. It is hard to be away from home right now. When I am working I am fine but on my days off it's hard to not be with my friends and family. I think the fact that Christmas is so close is increasing the difficulty of being here. Also, the fact that HIU had "Biola Bowl" (flag football tourney that I have fond memories of and my dear friends went to) last weekend made me sad.

I've been wanting to be married and have a family lately. I think the wanting to have a family started last month when we found out about Jessica's baby. I have been wanting to hold a baby ever since then. There was a tiny baby girl in the movie theater last night--I kept staring at her and I am sure her mom thought I was CREEEEEPY but I didn't care. I feel like I have expressed this before but I'll say it again: though I am afraid/anxious about being married and about being a mom, I have more consistently been afraid of being a mom than of being married... until now. This whole thing (Jessica's baby) has been something God has used to increase/establish my desire to be a mom.

That brings about a greater struggle with being single and a greater fear that I will never be a wife or a mom. I'm praying about this.

Peace out, girl scout. I love you.

Week 26

I missed updating this lovely blog last week, oops! So here's what happened last week:

I was supposed to go to Portland to see Kels and Brian and then drive up to Seattle to spend Thanksgiving with Megan, Anna and Anna's family. However, as I was driving back from Sacramento from dropping Sarah (boss/friend) off at the airport, traveling another 25+ hours to spend a total of about a day with my beloved friends/family seemed quite exhausting and expensive. So, I chose to stay in Redding with the Bailey family, who I've been staying with the past few weeks.

While I was very sad to not see Kels, Brian, Megan, Anna and the rest of the Quick family, I felt like staying in Redding was the best decision I could make. I felt this way not only because of time and money but because I have been FIGHTING whole-heartedly with God about staying here for the next 6 months. By choosing to stay here for Thanksgiving, I felt like I was surrendering a little more of that fight and choosing to build my friendships here rather than cling to all I find myself in apart from God.

I was reading A Hunger for God again and Piper talked about why God commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. He said that God wasn't asking Abraham to go through the act of surrendering all that he prized and all that was his hope for the future, so that He (God) would know if Abraham would surrender all for God; instead, God called Abraham to surrender Isaac so that Abraham would know that he (Abraham) was willing to surrender all to and for God. God pretty clearly has shown me that though me staying here for 1 year is NOWHERE near the sacrifice of a son, it is an act of me sacrificing pretty much everything that I hold precious and that find any security in for the future SO THAT I can truly know whether I will sacrifice all for and to God.

Last week I was praying through the fact that I really, really, really did not want to sacrifice any of my dreams and the people I am missing terribly so that I know my heart is truly God's and so that I can be with God by learning to wait, rest and hope in Him alone. I knew that being truly willing to sacrifice all would mean that God would lead me where He desires and those places would not necessarily be what I am planning or desiring. I was completely filled with fear. I think God gave me the following picture of where my heart and mind were at: I saw myself with my arm out to keep God away because He was too risky and letting Him in completely would cost too much (i.e. it would cost everything).

This week I was the only staff on my shift again but Sarah (boss/friend) was also gone. It was not that bad. It was for sureeee hard but I have been really enjoying spending time with my girls. We got a new girl yesterday, she seems like she will do well here in that she seems like she truly wants out of "the game" as the girls call it.

I had still been feeling farther from God than I wanted but I wasn't sure why. It wasn't till I was praying Wednesday night that I realized I still was holding God away and I had not truly surrendered my heart and my life to Christ since I started running from Him a few weeks ago. (By the way, I would not consider this "rededicating my life" hah but my will had been very set on disobeying God and I knew I needed to let Him be in control of it.) After praying through that and actually surrendering I still felt far from Him but kept praying that He would help me to truly believe He is good and that my faith would grow. I also picked up Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that I coincidently stopped reading about the same time that I decided I needed to get the heck out of Redding. :/ Let me tell you, rebelling against God is ALWAYS the best way to get peace! It works every single time.... or never.

The chapter I read this morning was called "Single-Minded Obedience" :)... appropriate, I believe. Through this chapter, God has brought me to the understanding that here, in Redding, is where He has determined is the only place that faith is truly possible for me at this time. Being here is His gracious offer to me that I may truly believe Him. He is helping me to understand that His Word is more secure than any of my "other securities" (i.e. idols, but you know, tomato tomato--that doesn't really work when I type it hah). Some awesome quotes/paraphrases: "He grants faith only to those who obey Him." Only way of combatting legalism is true obedience to call of Christ." "It's only through actual obedience that a man can become liberated to believe."

Week 24

The backlash that all of us were bracing ourselves for regarding the investigation of Jessica's baby has not happened. Thank Jesus. Current parents are all very supportive of the ministry. Prospective staff are still interested. I do not know about prospective student's parents yet though. Intakes will be difficult since all of our websites are down for the next few weeks in an effort to keep the students we currently have safe. My bosses told the girls about what happened. They did not tell them anything specific and they told them none of the information that would be especially traumatizing. The girls seem to be doing alright... I don't know though for sure because I was on nights this past week.

Night shift is always nice because I get a little bit of a break and I like having most of my interaction with students be fun/goofy rather than the day shift stuff. I slept in my dorm for the first time since the investigation started last Sunday. To clarify, the investigation of my building was over last Monday but I was too creeped out to stay in there while I was working last week. I then I stayed with the Bailey family on my days off. This week I didn't HAVE TO sleep in my room because on night shift I stay in the girl's dorms in a staff room but I figured that this whole "fear" thing is a little ridiculous since GOD is my Protector and so I slept in there for a few hours on Monday. woo! Take that Satan, ya dumb dumb!! You will NOT win! :)

I stayed with the Bailey's again this weekend. I am quite thankful for them.

I am on day 6 of a cleanse/detox thing in which I take whole food supplements that assist the organs in releasing toxins such as pesticides and other chemicals the body stores and I eat a TON of vegetables and some fruit and meat. Sue Bailey, who is my chiropractor, recommended I do this cleanse so that we can figure out what is going on in my body. As it turns out, I am allergic to wheat/gluten. I have known this since I was seven but have stubbornly refused to believe that it actually affects me... turns out it does! I feel a TON better and I am not even 1/3 of the way through it. Also, I haven't had coffee in 9 days and I feel quite great without it. I had been drinking 30-36 ounces of coffee a day because I was EXHAUSTED all the time. Anyways, that information is not really that exciting...

Well. I am praying about when I am done here. I thinkkkk God has said a specific time but I am avoiding Him now because I don't want to pray and find out that I have to stay longer than what I thinkkkk He said. It's ridiculous. I have been praying about it. Which is kind of paradoxical--praying about my aversion to praying... hmm.

I am beginning to read A Hunger for God by John Piper which is a book about "desiring God through fasting and prayer". Right now I am convicted because I want to leave this place and be home (in Southern CA or in Seattle) more than I want God. It is not that home is bad--it and all "it" entails is a gift from God, but do I really just want the gift or do I want the Giver? If I go home will I get caught right back up into the obsessing/idolizing the things I did at home? (The answer is yes, I probably will, and God would meet me in that.) Is me even wanting to go home like Israel wanting to go back to Egypt? If even the thought of going home is enough to cause me to hide from God in rebellion, should I go home? Is God showing me this part of my heart to say "stay in Redding" or is He showing me all of this to prepare me to go back?

I think, regardless of where I am or where I will be, I want God to bring me back to my rest in Him. (Thus the title of this blog--it's like God is sovereign or something. I had NO idea when I chose that title how very applicable it would be.)

Week 23

It is appropriate that this is the 23rd week I have been here. God is faithful, He has clearly told me the past few weeks that I need to be here. I have been praying that He would give me a sense of purpose because I felt so useless but KNEW that He had/has me here to get to know Him. I am here for a reason.

I don't really want to write the details because it is so incredibly evil/sick/twisted, but my roommates found a dead baby in one of our other coworker's room. We didn't know she was pregnant in the first place so we thought she had just miscarried and was ashamed when it was found Friday. However, as it turns out, she murdered the baby 2 months ago and it's body has been in our dorm.

We are all in shock. We are very unsure of what this will do to the ministry. Most of the students do not know the details of ANYTHING they only know Jessica (the mother) was fired and that she had been pregnant. One of them found out yesterday and her mother pulled her--PLEASE be praying for her. This would be SUCH a traumatic thing as a student to find out about a staff member you trusted. There really is no way we are going to be able to keep this from our girls. The story is spreading via press very, very quickly.

Please pray for the safety of my girls since the exact location of the school has now publicized all over the country and their pimps would very easily be able to find them.

To add to all of it, we are incredibly low on funds and staff. Two of my program's coworkers are quitting this week and so there will be one staff on each shift and an intern for five days a week. Please pray that God would call people to come up and work with us, it will take a specific call from Him to do this. I know I would struggle to accept the job with all of this going on.

Please be praying for the mother of the baby, Jessica Bradford. Pray that Jesus gets her. Pray that she is surrounded by people that realize that ANY of us is capable of the same thing and that GOD loves her and desires for her to come to Him. Pray for her family and her boyfriend--they did not know she was even pregnant.

Please just pray. We need it.

Week 22

Well, the past few weeks have been... a growing experience.

I was thinking and praying about leaving this job due primarily to the isolation that I have been experiencing. As I was praying I felt like God wanted me to stay so that I could see Him make this situation very, very good and thereby increase my faith/hope/trust in Christ. In counseling last week, my counselor felt as though God was saying that this time is an opportunity to learn to rest and let God be the one to comfort me. That is, I think, what God has this time set apart for in my life. Learning to be alone with God in literal isolation so that I can be alone with God in the chaos of "unisolated" life. This job is hard because we don't see the immediate fruit of our labors very much. I have to trust that me loving my girls DOES matter and continue on when it seems pointless at times. That is a verrrrrry good lesson to begin learning.

I have been praying that I will value Christian maturity more than I value comfort. I did NOT want to pray that AT ALL because I like comfort... way too much...but I knew that is exactly what I needed to want so I prayed for God to change my perspective (the concept of Christian maturity/comfort was discussed in a sermon I heard last week).

I was reading an article on a blog called The Resurgence, and it was discussing prayer and one thing the author said to meditate on/pray about is that following would be true: "Your (God's) presence and approval are all I need for everlasting joy". AWESOME, right?! I have BOTH because of Jesus. So, I have been praying about that too.

In counseling this week, my counselor brought up some stuff that I will be praying about. This "stuff" has to do with guys/marriage and fear/terror regarding both and why that fear/terror exists in the first place... so, yeah. If you could pray about that too, that'd be great.

I have been praying about what God has for me after this--NOT dwelling on it, well.. actually sometimes I have been dwelling on it, then I have to repent... mhmmm yep. I really would like to work in Residence Life at a (Christian) College/University again. We'll see what Jesus has.

Week 20

Hmm... how to even describe this week...?

Work is good. I got to take 4 girls into town to the therapist one night and we had fun. A lady named Lily, who is one of the "troubled-teen" boy's program parents, spent the week with my girls. She was great :) I realllllly enjoyed talking to her about life and Jesus and my girls. She did their "colors" (Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter). I am apparently a "winter". woo. I get to wear what I already do haha... Umm. What else...?

Sarah, Jessica, Christa and I had our first Bible study. That was fun. Sunday night Sarah, Brittany and I talked about Jesus. Woo. That was good.

I have been feeling depressed still and lonely. Not hopeless. Sad, though, for sure. I talked with Jana today and we discussed the fact that while it is okay to grieve the past "things" we love(d), to refuse to live and enjoy what is "now" is not ok because it is a refusal to live in an environment that is uncomfortable. I do not doubt that God is doing good things. In fact, I see a lot of them.

Sarah and I are going to a concert in San Jose on Saturday and we'll be hanging out in San Francisco tomorrow evening through Saturday morning. Mumford and Sons will be at the concert... wooooooooo! And many other greeeeat bands, including Dave Mathews--Foo Fighters only plays Sunday though. The jerks.

Week 19

Well. Working 5 days is definitely challenging and I am QUITE glad that my bosses have decided that 4 days on and 3 days off is best. Even though it was hard to work that much and by the 5th day I had to repeat their questions a few times in my head (or out loud :) ) before I could comprehend what they were asking, I had a lot of fun with the girls. I took three of them to their therapist on Tuesday night. It was very fun because I got to actually talk with them. I think we don't really get to "talk talk" with them much because of how many girls we have and because we are always doing things during the day. So, like I said, it was nice to talk talk with them.

I felt "off" all week and was not able to pin point a reason why so I prayed a lot that God would help me to see what that reason was. (By the way, when I say "off" I mean that I felt really numb and sort of sad and was having a hard time explaining how I was doing to people I talked to on the phone on my days off last week--which are all generally good indications that something is up in my heart/mind that I need to deal with.) I was over at my boss/friend, Sarah's apartment last night after work and I think I figured out what is up--All summer I had been looking to "the wedding" as a goal and the fact that I would be going home and seeing all of my friends and my family kept me from actually dealing with the reality of the fact that "that" season (HIU, Southern CA, being an RA, freedom from a lotttt of the concerns of adulthood, etc.) of my life is over. SO even though I had finished college, moved to Redding and started a "real" job, the reality of the loss of those thing that I had loved so very, very much about being in Southern CA had not set in. SO I think right now, I am grieving those losses. I think it is good. Very good. And very hard.

This weekend, I am staying at the home of the woman I met at Trader Joes back in (I think) July. She and her husband went to San Francisco for the weekend. I was able to meet her husband and have lunch with them both before they headed down to San Fran today. I really like them. A lot. It is very comforting to talk to a woman about Jesus and about what I have been thinking/feeling/etc. God's providence is sooooo uncomprehendable. I get to stay at a REAL house with a REAL kitchen and a REAL cat for threeeee days BY MYSELF! It's an introverted-catloving-"realfood"deprivedindividual's DREAM!

I am going to be hanging out with Sarah and my two women friends in Redding, Jessica and Christa, tomorrow night. We are starting to read through Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology. It. Will. Be. Epic.

I have been praying about and struggling with the fact that the ways God has built and gifted me are not really being used in this season of life (which is good because I am learning to not find my identity in myself/the things God has instilled in me but in God, himself and I am learning to really trust Him... :) Woo). Namely, I miss being able to talk to people about Jesus and about what He is doing in their lives and who they actually are because He said they are that way (confusing...but whatever). Specifically, on Tuesday I had been thinking and praying about this a lot and that night one of my fellow staff members came into my room and expressed that she has been feeling very discouraged and distant from God. AH! I got fireddddd UP! She is going to go over to Sarah's house on Sunday night and we are all going to talk about Jesus. I am exxxxxcccciiiittteeeddddddddddddddddddd! Woo. It's like I should trust Jesus, or something!

Love you all. Please be praying that I keep learning to trust Jesus and that I will love and be kind to my girls. Pray that I learn what I need to learn to be able to speak truth into lives around me AND into my own fears. I have been anxious and I keep catching myself running things other than God. Hmm... Please keep praying for Gabi; my friend who lost her sister. Pray that she feels God's comfort and presence.

Love ya. Peace out playa.

Week 18 (I think...sheesh)

Well. It has been awhile. Last time I wrote I was home for the weekend. I then went back to Redding for 2 weeks. THEN I went back home for 11 days. I got back to Redding Monday morning (3 days ago). At home this past time I was a maid of honor with Anna in Kelsey and Brian's wedding. It was a gorgeoussss wedding. The amount of work that was involved made me want to elope though... and I am only 68% kidding...

Hmm.. I am not sure how to summarize the last month. last I wrote, I had begun to realize just how much I need Jesus' strength to do this job/life; how much I need to pray; how much I need to read my Bible. God is still revealing that to me. He has been overwhelming me with how much I desperately need His Grace and how HUGE that Grace really is.

I went to the first night of a Spiritual Formation seminar at Biola/Talbot with my mom while i was home. It was by Dallas Willard on "Why is sin so attractive". Needless to say, it was SO good. Essentially, he said that sin is attractive because it is not called "sin" it is always masked deceptively. I was really convicted the whole night that I have been putting so so SO much of my hope in a guy I liked at home/still like. And, really, I don't know him well enough to say I really like him. God is teaching me to let that/him go. I am letting Him teach me where the line is between liking a guy and idolizing him.

The seminar also made me wonder the following: If, in Christ, we are to be completely satisfied, why does he have so many of us get married?

I get that marriage can reveal sin in us that no other thing in life can do butttt I have also been learning that everything God brings into our lives is His grace and is in the end, to bless us (This is a realllllly difficult thing to believe, but I KNOW it is true). SO I knew that revelation of sin couldn't be the only reason He wanted many of us married. SO I asked Cilla (mentor/RA Supervisor) what she thought. She said marriage reveals the oneness of God like no other relationship and to be that close to another person is incredible. She also said a whole bunch of other magnificent things but that stuck with me most. Apparently marriage IS a blessing. Who knew? Anna also pointed something out to me: sanctification is not just about revealing our sin, it is about teaching us to trust God and receive His grace. Hmm...

I talked to a lady in charge of REST (Real Escape from the Sex Trade--a ministry founded by Mars Hill Church, Seattle). I applied to be an intern next year at Mars Hill, potentially working with REST. We will see what happens with that.

I don't know where God wants me to go/what He wants me to do in life. I just know that people really, really, really, really need Jesus and I can't justify "settling down" and just living a suburban dream when I could "do" so much more in other life situations. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with suburbia, I just think God is calling me to something different.

Please be praying that I love my girls. I am working 5 days this next week as opposed to the usual 4 SO please pray for rest and that I would be kind. Thanks. Love ya. Bye for now.

Week 14

I am home right now and have been since Thursday morning (it is Saturday at about noon). I will be heading back up tonight with my friend/boss, Sarah. I came down to go to Gracie's Memorial Service which will be tonight at 6. It will be hard to go right back to work after that but I know I needed to be here.

Being home has been a good reminder that God is good, that He is at work and that I am where He wants me to be. I really miss the people down here. A lot. Also, I believe God has been telling me to pray and pray and pray due to the fact that every sermon I have heard lately has been on prayer and I have been studying fasting/prayer... funny how that always seems to happen. I am realizing how much of the "cloud" I have been in the last month or so is spiritual rather than simply emotional/logical. I have never felt demonic attack like I have been feeling the past 3 months but especially since I have been working with B3. I have been just sitting in that and letting it control me SO that is not good.

This is going to be a really short post :) I love you all. Thank you for your prayers. Seriously. I am praying for you.

Weeks 12 & 13

I am in the Sacramento Airport right now waiting to board a flight to Minneapolis (well, technically, to Denver and then from Denver to Minneapolis :) ) to go to my cousin Hannah's wedding. Megan and my mom and most of my mom's side of the family will be there. Meg and I will go to the Bachlorette Party tonight. Tomorrow I think we are all just hanging out and going for a bike ride which I am assuming will be kind of intense since both my uncles are like biking fiends (that word apparently means "demons or villains" I just mean they are really intense lovers of the bike ride and I like the way that word sounds). Saturday is the actual wedding so we will go to that and then to dinner after the reception. Sunday we are either going to church or hanging out till Meg and i leave around 2:30 in the afternoon.

Last weekend I went to Seattle with some of my coworkers and Kelsey, who we picked up in Portland. Kels and I stayed with Anna and got to meet her boyfriend, Mark. I like him. A lot. Seattle was fun. We made all 300 of Kelsey's wedding invitations. Woo. I do notice though that seeing Kels and Anna (and my parents two weekends ago) is harder than it was before because of the short amount of time I am with them. Pretty much as soon as I am with them I think about the fact that I have to leave the next day. Missing them and being discontent with where I am at resulted in a semi-depressed state the past few weeks. HOWEVER, on the way to the airport this morning I was listening to a sermon from The Journey in St. Louis, Missouri on idolatry and I realized how deeply rooted my idolatry of Seattle and Anna/Kelsey goes. Let me explain: the "things" I look to for joy and hope and what I believe would be a "good" future involves Anna/Kelsey/Seattle (and a WHOLE lot of other things but these were specifically what God was showing me this morning) rather than God. Praying through THAT realization. It is not pleasant but strangely soothing because God WILL NOT allow me to run after my idols (read Hosea 2:14-23, it is epic).

My best friend Gabi's sister, Gracie, passed away on Tuesday morning (damn you cancer... I say that because I mean it quite literally). Please, please, please pray for her and her family. Pray that God would give her a knowledge of His presence with her and that she would run to Him for comfort. That this devastating loss would be something that she can still see God's grace in. I wish that I could be there right now. I am glad I will be down there (SoCal) in 3 weeks at least. Please pray for them.

Please pray that I trust Jesus and like Hosea 2:14-23 says, that I would see this time in the "wilderness" as God's grace in my life to bring me to greater dependance on Him and therefore deeper, more true joy.

Just in case looking up Hosea 2:14-23 is too hard for you I have pasted it below :)

The Lord's Mercy on Israel

14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

and ebring her into the wilderness,

and fspeak tenderly to her.

15 And there I will give her her vineyards

and make the Valley of Achor5 a door of hope.

And there she shall answer gas in the days of her youth,

as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

16 “And hin that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ 17 For iI will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. 18 And jI will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And kI will abolish6the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in lsafety. 19 And I will betroth you to me mforever. nI will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. 20 nI will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And oyou shall know the Lord.

21 “And pin that day qI will answer, declares the Lord,

I will answer the heavens,

and they shall answer the earth,

22 and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil,

and they shall answer rJezreel,7

23 and sI will sow her for myself in the land.

And tI uwill have mercy on No Mercy,8

and vI will say to Not My People,9 w‘You are my people’;

and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”

Another goooood read ladies: http://theresurgence.com/2011/08/23/the-lure-of-lies

Week 11

Sorry this is kind of late (dad... hah). This past week was eventful.

I was on nights Sunday through Wednesday evening. Becasue of this, I was able to go to church on Sunday. I spent the night Saturday (two weeks ago) at some of my friends' house (Nick and Jessica) and went with them to church in the morning. I hung (?grammar?) out with them and Nick's cousin, Luke, and Luke's girlfriend, Christa, all day after that. Then I went to church at night with Luke and Christa at the church the small group I go to is affiliated with.

On Thursday I went into town and hung out with Sarah at a coffee shop in Redding(Friend/Co-worker/boss) and then went over to Nick and Jessica's house for a few hours.

Friday my parents came (wooooooooooo!!!!). I showed them around Redding and then we went back to our hotel for the evening.

Saturday we drove up to my work and I showed them around. Then we went back into town and to the Shasta Dam. Afterwards, we went over to my mom's friend from college, Julie Duvall's house and I met her family. We had dinner there and talked. I think I will be able to stay with them sometimes. That is exciting! They are very sweet people.

I spent the night at my parent's hotel on Saturday night and woke up early to drive up to work on Sunday morning.

I am pretty homesick/sad right now... I am going to be going to Seattle this weekend to hang out with Anna and Kelsey and meet Anna's boyfriend, Mark, so that is exciting. But then coming back from that is going to be hard, I know. AHH. I love this job... I just need to keep remembering that. God has me here and now and I really, truly do love it. I just miss people and being in a city and apart of a church.

Week 10

Originally, I was planning on coming up with more creative titles than simply the week number but I think I am just going to stick with this... it feels like an accomplishment every time I type the increasing number each week. That may change eventually. Who knows?! Woo.

Well... this week... what to write? Work was good. We took the girls to the pool on Monday and to the lake Tuesday to hang out with a youth group. Every night I went over to the house of my boss/friend, Sarah. We attempted to watch a movie Sunday night but ended up rewinding like 3 or 4 times because we kept talking. Eventually we stopped rewinding it and just kept talking. I think I will watch the movie when I am on night shift this next week.

Tuesday night Sarah and I took one of the JYA/RVCA girls to the ER because she was having "chest pain". Two weeks ago, she "tore" a ligament in her shoulder, this week she found lump that MUST be cancer, and there was something else... maybe a "broken" ankle... I can't remember. Basically, I am 99.9% sure she was NOT actually having chest pain but we can't take chances. We were at the ER from 11pm to 5:30am so I went into work at noon. This reminded me of when I was in Canada at MWA (the program/boarding school I went to), I tried to break my ankle every day for the first few weeks so that I would have to be sent home. hahah I am now grateful God made my bones steel but at the time I was quite upset with Him over that fact. The things we do sometimes...

I went to counseling for the second time today. It was AWESOME. I am excited to see what God is going to do in and through me during this season of life. So far it has been quite difficult but really good.

Anna was telling me last week something about how one of the roots of the word "grace" in the Greek is "thankfulness" and another is "joy". So I prayed that God would reveal areas in my life in which I am/can be thankful to God in order that I might be reminded of His Grace so that I can live joyfully, having full confidence in His goodness. I needed to do this because I was on the verge of living in a combination of self-pity and fear that life will only ever be hard.

God has been so good. My idols have been further exposed--specifically my desire to be in control of my life and comfort myself when I am anxious. Jan, Anna's mom, told something that resonated with me today: anxiety is not the enemy, it is simply a feeling. One that I don't need to kill but one that I can simply feel and pray through. She has told me this many, many times and will have to many, many more. When I actually do that--pray through my anxiety and ask Jesus where He is in it--I know I have been freed from it but I keep going back to trying to deal with it on my own. I am quite glad that God is enduring and will continue to pursue me when I run from Him and try to do this life by my own strength.

Steve Tompkins, Anna's family friend and pastor at Mars Hill (Seattle, NOT Michigan) told her that there are two requirements that have to be met in a relationship before you decide to marry a man. The first is that you respect him in general but especially that you respect him spiritually. The second is that you and he are good buddies.

Another thing--While I was still dating the guy I talked about last week, I kept freaking out that I would keep dating him when I shouldn't. That fear was a result of the fact that I didn't really believe God would tell me whether or not I should stop dating him. Guess what? He told me! Crazy. God is faithful AND trustworthy AND He will protect me? Heck. Yes. He is/will. Going on two dates with the guy was an act of repentance/obedience since I usually run from guys when they actually show interest in me. "Ending it" was also an act of repentance/obedience because I knew he was not someone I would respect spiritually or who would lead me spiritually.

So this post, as usual, has been kind of "stream of consciousness" rather than having a definite structure. Sorry... but I am not really that sorry or I would change it. hah.

Week 9

WELL. It is crazy to me that I have been here for 9 weeks... I am pretty homesick and have been for like a week and a half.

I started working with B3 this week and LOVED it. The girls are great and we can talk to them more openly about Jesus, which is really exciting. I am working with them this next week and I think I will be working with both the JYA/RVCA (troubled teen) program and B3 after that. I am not totally sure how that will work out though.

I took one of my friends/co-workers/roommate, Stacy to the Sacramento Airport on Thursday and then hung out in SAC all day.

The "thing" I was really struggling with last week was dating a guy. I went on a date with him before I left for Portland and then another one last night. He is really, really nice and funny and cute and likes cats and has a tattoo (hah) BUT he is a lukewarm Christian. His life goals and mine are totally different in that I want to serve God wherever He sends me and this guy wants to settle down and live "the American Dream"--I don't think he would say that exactly, but based on our conversations that's what I have understood. Whenever I have brought God up or something about faith he doesn't really respond and he said "I haven't ever really had a 'relationship' with God"... yeah... that's a no go.

I am going to meet him tonight after he gets off work and tell him I do not want to keep dating him. That is super intimidating to me... as it should be, I suppose. He seems to really like me so that stinks and is weird... But really, it was two dates it won't be that upsetting.

This whole process has been a lesson in trusting God to lead me one step at a time. I was really anxious and wanted to stop dating him before he even asked me out BUT I kept getting to know him till I felt like God was saying "no" and now I am "ending it". I am encouraged by the fact that God must have worked on my heart a LOT in the past few years because I wouldn't have listened so quickly in years past. It has also revealed how important it is to me if I get married to marry someone who loves studying the Bible and growing in his relationship with and knowledge of God. I also think I might want to live abroad for a while. Who knows? I am in Redding now. I WILL do this well.

I addressed most of the envelopes for Kelsey's wedding. That was fun! I only have a few more to go. I can't think of anything else to write... I am really homesick... did I mention that? :/

Week 8

I am currently on a Greyhound bus going from Portland back to Redding. I was able to meet my best friend, Kelsey and her fiance in Redding Thursday night and go with them as they were moving up to Portland. It was really good to see her and my other best friend, Anna (who drove down from Seattle).

I found out I will be working with B3 (the program for sexually exploited girls) starting Monday!! A news station from the Bay Area did a special on the program and it aired Wednesday night. You can watch it here:

http://www.ktvu.com/video/28689390/index.html

It was kind of a hard week because I was sick and because God is working on me a lot in ways I was not expecting... Sorry that is kind of vague. Eventually I will write about it but not now. Just be praying that I keep obeying Him and trusting Him.

I met with a counselor for the first time and I am really excited about that! She seems really cool.

Week 7

I went for a walk on Saturday with a girl named Jessica who I met at small group last week. I then hung out with her and her husband all Saturday night. It was reallllly fun. I like them alot. In fact, I am hanging out with them again tonight! woo I am making friends!!! Exciting! I hurt my foot and am now wearing a huge "immobilizer boot" which may be one of the best inventions ever... It looks kind of like a moon boot though hah. Who knew proper footwear was so very important?! (I hurt my foot because I walked for a really long walk in flip flops and then jumped down some staircases in brand new shoes...) :)

Work this week went by pretty fast. I went out with my boss and a few of the girls to celebrate one of the girls' graduation from the program on Tuesday night. That was fun! I talked to my boss yesterday about working more with the girls who are in the sexually exploited program and she said that was definitely possible--so that is also exciting! (These are the girls I hung out with at the lake when I was on night shift a few weeks ago. They are awesome.)

I keep finding myself focusing on me and my problems and getting discouraged. I listened to a sermon for the second time called "Jesus Plus Nothing Equals Everything" from The Village Church by a guest speaker named Tullian Ta;hgoaeraobrepigfah (it's a rather complicated last name and I don't feel like looking it up). I listened to it on the way up here on June 2 and I was crying the whole time because it was exactly what God was trying to teach me then. Turns out He's still trying to teach me the same thing! Crazy how that happens! :)

I went to the small group again last night and it was great again. I really like the people there.

I love you. And I miss you. A. Lot.

Week 6 (Freakkkkkky. I've been here 6 weeks...)

I was on night shift this past week for the first time. It was fun! I was able to meet some people through a friend of my friend, Jana. I went to the lake with these new pals (hah I entertain myself) :) on Tuesday--they do this every Tuesday. What I didn't realize was that the girls from the other girl program (for girls who have been sexually exploited) have been going to the church where these people go to and have been going the lake every Tuesday as well. So they were there with one of the girls from the program I work with. It was really fun!! I hung (that sounds weird so I think it's wrong but I don't know what the right tense would be...) out with them Monday night and one of them did my nails--she'd been asking to do them for like 2 weeks haha. I think I might eventually like to work with them but for now I love working with my girls.

Ummmm... I was pretty discouraged after going to that church on Saturday night. Specifically, I was thinking that God's "best" for me will never be that great and it was just going to be hard and "sanctifying" but I won't ever actually have "fun"/ I won't ever enjoy where I am at. I find myself coming back to this lie over and over again throughout my life. So I, once again, just kept praying through it and asking God where He was in this time in my life and to help me believe that His "best" is going to be good and hard but not just hard. This was on Sunday and then Jana's friend and I got in touch and he is going to help me find friends here haha it was very sweet of him. There was one girl in particular that I talked to at the lake that was really cool but I liked them all!

Another way God reminded me to trust His love was that a random woman in Trader Joe's (aka my second home the past month and a half) came up and started talking to me for like 5-10 minutes. Eventually we stopped talking and she left. She then came back like 20 seconds later and gave me her card and asked me to call her if I wanted/needed a "mom" in Redding. I was just praying about wanting to find an older woman to have coffee with. :)

Yet another way is that Jana's friend (whose name is Steve--I've mentioned him enough that it would be easier to just say his name).. so Steve told me about a college group on Thursday nights from the church I hung out with on Tuesday. This college group is hosted by a couple. While the fact that I could be involved in a small group was enough of an affirmation that God was going before me and I could trust Him, He would not be satisfied in that. The couple who leads this group are the parents of a girl/woman (?) I met at church the weekend before I moved up here. She was sitting directly in front of me; she NEVER went to the church campus I was at and she never goes to the service time I was at--she and her friend just up and decided to go. Anyways, she told me to call her parents because they lead a small group up in Redding and I had been trying for a few weeks but never got an answer and the answering machine didn't ever come up. So, I feel like I should PROBABLY go to the small group... :)

OH! I also got a counseling appointment with a pastoral counselor. :) Yet another thing I had been upset about (i.e. not being able to find a counselor).

Week 5 update

I went to the only church and it was a no go. Which is very discouraging because it is the ONLY one with a Saturday service in a 100 mile radius... I just spent 2 hours looking.

Week 5

This week was quite eventful. I will give you a day-by-day play-by-play :)

Sunday: I was "on clean-up" which means I supervised the team of girls who cleaned the dining hall after each meal. That was my first time being the only staff member with the girls. It was fun! I missed industrial dish cleaning haha...but I am kind of serious. My boss (Sarah, who is AWESOME--she reminds me of my friends Anna and Carolyn put together. She's fun.) has a bear hunting dog named Missy. We saw Missy walking up to campus with some sort of animal in her mouth which turned out to be a baby deer's head and front legs that a mountain lion had killed... disgusting and really sad. After work a few other staff and I went down about 10 minutes from campus to watch fireworks from the towns down the valley. It was cool to see the stars and there was a lunar eclipse that we watched happen. The fireworks were about the size of a quarter from that far away but eh, the stars were cooler anyway.

Monday: The other staff and I dressed up really crazy for Fourth of July. We had the girls make "floats" for a parade out of cardboard boxes and art supplies. They loved it. We had Tri-Tip and other bbq goodness for lunch and strawberry shortcake for dessert. It was SO good. I am hungry thinking about it. ahhhhhh. Then we had the girls do their parade. Some of them were HILARIOUS. One of the girls dressed up as Obama and put tape behind her ears to make them stick out because Obama has very prominent ears (i.e. he's got Dumbo ears :) ). The staff did a parade last and threw candy at the girls. They were quite excited about the candy. hah We then went out to our field/track area and some of the staff were hiding and ambushed the girls with water balloons. We then had a water balloon and shaving cream fight. It was fun. I don't advise swallowing shaving cream though. It hurts. Bad. We then went to our pond for a couple hours and swam and laid out tanning. I don't want to think of all the organisms living in that frigid water. Sick nasty. But it was fun. Then we had dinner and some sort of dessert...I think... (the girls don't get any kind of sugar or dessert unless it's a holiday or someone's birthday). We told them we were done for the night at that point and went back to showers and FOB time (FOB="Feet On Bed"). They were a bit disappointed that they couldn't see fireworks.... heh heh heh... we had one more surprise coming.. FIREWORKS! We drove to a flat space about 10 minutes from campus and watched the Redding fireworks. The girls had fun. It was a great and EXHAUSTTTTTTTTTTTING day.

Tuesday: I don't think anything substantial happened Tuesday... But there is a Bible Study we have for the girls on Wednesday nights and I was thinking "Man, I am SO glad I am not in charge of Bible Study because that sounds incredibly intimidating and I don't really feel any motivation right now to seriously study the Bible..." I don't know WHY I think these things... You will understand. Keep reading.

Wednesday: During our staff meeting I was asked to co-lead the Bible Study. Duh. DUH. God is a FUNNY one and I immediately knew I needed to because of what I was thinking the day before. haha woooooo PRAY FOR ME.

Thursday: I drove with Sarah (My awesome boss) and two other staff members (Matina and Jessica who are awesome as well) to drop Sarah off at the SAC airport and then Matina, Jessica and I were going to hang out in SAC for a while. Instead, we drove the extra like 40 minutes to San Fran. IT WAS SOOOOO FUN. SOOOO FUN. And exactly what we needed. This job is great but it is really draining emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. We got to goof off and act like normal 20-somethings rather than moms. We also talked about Jesus and how each of us is doing. I realized just how much I miss talking with people about Jesus and real issues in their hearts/lives--so I am even more excited about leading the Bible Study. :) I had been feeling sad for a while now because I feel most alive when I am talking about Jesus and real things with people and the nature of my job limits the amount I can. God has been teaching me to not look to my "ability" to counsel as my identity but as something he is going to use me to glorify Him with. I like Him. A LOT. :) On the way back up to Redding from SF I had an overwhelming thought: I have been in the process of walking in obedience to God without knowing what He was doing and I have been learning to do this hard walk without complaining or expecting it to be "fun" all the time/at all and He is giving me an opportunity to do what I love most (talk about Him) and He gave me a really FUN day.

I am going to go to church tonight for the first time since I have been here. I am working nights this week so I don't have to be on campus during the day tomorrow so I will go to church in the morning too, I think. I called the counselors I talked to a while ago to set up appointments with them.


I love you all and miss you.

Week 4

This week went by SUPER fast. That is exciting, I think... I am a bit homesick. And by "a bit" I mean I am very homesick. I really miss my friends and family and home (both the HIU dorm and the Whittier house) and dog and cats and not 2000 degree weather and cell phone reception and internet and church.
I requested four days off in September so I can be in SoCal for a longer time for Kelsey's wedding which I am a maid of honor in. Please be praying I get all four of those days off. She and her fiance will be moving up to Oregon at the end of the month for his job so I will get to see them as they drive through Redding. That is verrrrrry exciting.
That's all for this week :/ Love you all.

Week 3 pt. 2

What Sally Lloyd-Jones' "The Jesus Storybook Bible" actually says:
"What were God's people going to do? In front of them was a big sea. It was so big there was no way around it. But there was no way through it--it was too deep. They didn't have any boats so they couldn't sail across. And they couldn't turn back because Pharaoh was chasing them. They could see the flashing swords now, glinting in the baking sun, and the dust clouds and chariot after scary chariot surging towards them. So they did the only thing there was left to do-- PANIC!
'We're going to die!' they shrieked.
'Don't be afraid!' Moses said.
'But there's nothing we can do!' they screamed.
'God knows you can't do anything!' Moses said. 'God will do it for you. Trust him. And watch!'
'But there's no way out!' they cried.
'God will make a way!' Moses said.
Another minute and it would have been over. But then the strangest thing happened...." then the Red Sea parts and you know the rest.

Wasn't that EPIC?! God knows you have absolutely no way to get through x, y, z and it seems like you are going to be crushed/destroyed but if you just wait and trust God He WILL make a way... ahhh. (The story of the Red Sea out of Exodus is ammmmmazing straight from the Bible Bible but the simplicity of her words cuts to the core so I love it.)

another cool one about how Jesus is foreshadowed in Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac:
"God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present (my input: Jesus). It would be God's way to tell his people, 'I love you.'
Many years later, another Son would climb another hill, carrying wood on his back. Like Isaac, he would trust his Father and do what his Father asked. He wouldn't struggle or run away.
Who was he? God's Son, his only Son--the Son he loved.
The Lamb of God."

Week 3

I got to see Mr. and Mrs. Webster (staff from MY boarding school) on Monday. That was fun. We talked about why I wanted to be a houseparent and that has made me think even more about my time in a boarding school. God totally used it to bring me closer to Him and I can definitely say He is and will be using THIS time "in boarding school" to do the same :).

We had a staff training session last night over JYA's "Philosophy of Discipline" and it made me remember that I have been wanting to learn how to control my own responses to people when I am "disciplining" them so that the discipline is actually for the purpose of teaching them rather than because I am annoyed or angry with them. As my director said, "discipline should be mechanical, not emotional"--I am not very good at that at this point in time. I usually respond when I am emotionally involved and I need to learn to calm down and come back to the person. I believe and hope being a houseparent at JYA will be a learning opportunity in that regard. It is also really encouraging to see God answering my prayers ("encouraging" is not a strong enough word due to the fact that realizing God was answering that specific prayer COMPLETELY overwhelmed me with gratefulness and I was sobbing hahah).

I have been reading "The Jesus Storybook Bible" by Sally Lloyd-Jones this week.

For those of you who have not heard of it, it is an EPIC children's ( :) hah) bible that tells a lot of the fundamental stories from the Old Testament and how they foreshadow Christ and then tells a lot of the fundamental stories from the New Testament as well. It is SOOOO good. The way she phrases things makes me cry because they are so straightforward. I can't remember the exact phrasing but when she is writes of the Israelites at the Red Sea with Pharaoh's Army approaching the Israelites are discussing how terrified they are and Moses says something along the lines of "God knows you don't have a way out. Just wait and trust Him. He will provide a way." I LOVE IT. I am going to have to write out what she ACTUALLY says though, because it is much more profound than what I just said. :)

I have a counseling appointment with Anna's mom, Jan, today at noon. I am excited about that because I know there is a lot of stuff going on in my heart but I can't pinpoint anything. That fact (not being able to figure out what's wrong) really was scaring me last week. However, after listening to a few sermons and talking with Anna on Saturday, God further confirmed the fact that I need to just wait for Him to reveal my heart to me in the time He chooses because He is quite Good and Trustworthy and I don't need to hold onto everything with a death grip in an attempt to control it. :)

The girls that ran away were found, by the way, thanks for your prayers for them. They are doing alright, still not wanting to be at JYA but that is pretty standard and understandable.